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This week we are having one of those “teaser” spring-like weeks where the sun emerges from the clouds for a day or two and gives off the illusion that winter is over. The only signs that we’re not totally free from the gray cold are the dirty mounds of snow still melting on front lawns and occasional gusts of wind that are becoming more and more frequent. The day I’m writing this, I took advantage of the brief warmth to get out, walk, and enjoy the sampling of spring.
I was quickly reminded of something my friends often say about why they dislike exercising outdoors, be it running, biking, or just walking: a discomfort with being perceived. This fear of being “perceived” is something I forget about most of the time, until I’m trying to cross the street at a stop sign—or, god forbid, a crosswalk—and I find myself wishing to disappear into the pavement as if I, somehow, have done something wrong. I get squeamish just for taking up space (while I internally knowing I have every right to inhabit it).
I realize this is a relatively common feeling. Many people avoid going to the gym or exercising outside during the day for fear of being perceived. People set up home gyms or do workout videos at home to keep their exercise to themselves; or even feel more comfortable in classes because everyone is being “perceived” simultaneously, instead of individually.
All of this reflection made me think about how I would behave if I wasn’t in constant fear of how I was being perceived. I do not mean only with exercise, I mean how I would act, what I would do every day, and what would I write if I really thought nobody would read it? As most content creators know, the hamster wheel of content creation can quickly burn you out. I can usually plan weeks, even months of blog posts in advance and churn out a couple weeks of posts in a few days before completely losing my mind. But even with all of the strategies I’ve learned, I haven’t quite gotten the whole thing down. All of the planning in the world cannot produce motivation, especially when you feel hardly anyone is reading what you write.
Let’s also not forget the constant internal conflict of wanting to provide useful, practical content while still writing genuinely and acknowledging that all is not quite right in this world right now. We cannot continue to write, edit, coach, and publish under a protective dome from the circumstances surrounding us. We have to do all of these things in spite of the world and because of it.
All of that preamble leads me to ask, what would we do if we weren’t being watched, what would we write if we did not think anyone would read it? Can you write like nobody’s watching?
Phoebe Waller-Bridge says at the end of her book Scriptures (a print version of the scripts from her incredible series “Fleabag”): “Write like you are not afraid.” This is followed by a blank page or two for you to write your own “scriptures,” so to speak. I, unsurprisingly, have been too apprehensive to dirty the holy pages of my own copy. But she’s giving us a mandate here, our mission: to write without getting in our own way.
What would you write if you were not afraid? What would you write if you thought nobody was watching?
A challenge I hear from so many memoir writers is the fear of how others will react to their writing should it ever be published. What will their loved ones think? Will their abusers from their past retaliate? Will people who care for them judge them for things that the writer did in the past?
I have felt this fear too.
My fear, when it comes to writing and life in general, has only mounted lately. Life in the US is only getting more stressful, confusing, expensive, and terrifying. I cannot claim to know what it’s like to write without fear. If I were to write like nobody was watching, I would write to try to appeal to the powers that be to somehow learn empathy for those who are less fortunate (or simply different) than them; for those who fear what they do not understand to seek understanding. If I were to write unafraid, I would write freely about those that have hurt me without concern for retaliation.
I say with absolute certainty that we will never write authentically until we write as if we are not afraid of what other people will think; if we write as if nobody will ever read it. In some cases, maybe nobody will read it, and that’s okay. It is better, in my personal opinion, to write something with your whole heart and keep it to yourself than write something only from a surface level of emotionality and share it with the world, expecting readers to connect with you as if you’ve shared your complete self.
To me, writing as if nobody is watching is to write without fear of making mistakes, being judged by others, or being retaliated against. As I said, I’m still working on finding this voice myself. What I do, and what I recommend you do, is to seek this voice by really, truly pretending that nobody will read what you’re writing. Cut out the inner critic telling you what does and doesn’t want to be heard; the expectations of family, friends, readers—genuinely try writing just for yourself. Do this until what you write demands to be read, to be witnessed, to be “perceived.”
Featured photo by Tara Winstead.
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Hanna Etu 