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Try to recall the best memoir you’ve ever read. Was it a happy, funny, or just generally smooth sailing kind of story? Or was it more of a tragic one; a story of abuse, loss, or overcoming adversity? My guess is that in most cases, your answer will be the latter.
Unfortunately, popular memoirs in our literary marketplace are more often about trauma, and less about the positive shared experiences of humanity. This can be done well, because trauma and adverse experiences often bring out our creative strengths as writers. We’re more prolific when we are able to reflect back on the difficult things that have happened to us, because we’ve been forced to think more deeply and introspectively at life than those who have not experienced major trauma. Writing is a therapeutic way to release some of the negative experiences from our consciousness.
However, there are plenty of ways this can and does go wrong—in our own writing and in the publishing space. We should first entertain the idea that not all of our recollections are meant to be published. Sometimes when we find writing therapeutic, we should take it for exactly what it is: therapeutic. A memoir is not a diary, a journal, a blog, a record, a travel log, a list…you get my point. Your memoir is a narrative of a set time period in your life, of your personal experiences, with demonstrated self-reflection and understanding of the events that transpired. If you find you are writing more for the purpose of “getting it all written down” but less so reconstructing events in a way that a reader could reasonably follow, you may not be writing a memoir, and you are definitely not ready to be published.
But let’s move on from that possibility. Let’s say you’ve done your journaling, reflecting, and moving forward from the events in your life, and you’re ready to set the timeline, outline your memoir, make sense of everything in a way that you believe will reach your reader. What are some of the most common mistakes writers make when writing about trauma?
The biggest issue that I see discussed in workshops, courses, articles, etc. is the distinction between drama and trauma. Fiction writers create drama (or “stakes”) in order to make their stories sell. With memoir, our lives create the drama for us, but that doesn’t mean we should take advantage of it. Many memoirists have paid the price for embellishing their own life stories for the sake of getting a bestseller, only to sacrifice their integrity and notoriety.
Yes, our traumatic experiences are the catalysts for our stories, and they could be the reason why we attract a reader who wouldn’t otherwise pick up a memoir from an unknown author. I’ve picked up books by writers simply because they struggled with mental health issues, or lost someone to suicide, or just lost someone in general. However, the trauma shouldn’t be what carries the book. Your vulnerability, your introspection, your personal connection with the reader is how you do that.
To be clear, this is what I think people mean when they find certain memoirs to be “whiny”; when an author spends the entire book harping on the bad thing that happened to them, but not enough time being vulnerable enough to discuss how it made them feel, reflect on how any of their actions played into the events that occurred, or just generally have enough space from the events themselves to be able to look back on their own personal growth since said events happened. To fail to connect life experiences with emotionality, personal vulnerability, continued growth, and even the larger issues they’re highlighting fails to make room for the reader of your memoir. This also distinguishes journal from memoir. A memoir is just as much for the reader as it is for the writer, if not more.
So, how do we avoid these pitfalls? The answer is simpler than it seems. The classic adage of “show, don’t tell” applies well here. Memoirists sometimes make the mistake of throwing in little details of slightly traumatic things that happened to them to amplify the drama: falling off a bike as a kid; your mom forgetting to make your cake for twelfth birthday; failing an English test in ninth grade. But these in and of themselves are common experiences, not traumatic experiences. Perhaps you find falling off of your bike to be traumatic because your parents never paid any attention to you as a kid. Show the reader this in practice and the bike incident as the consequences of their actions. Maybe the English test was your last chance at passing ninth grade, and you had to get held back a year, which led to you and your bully being in the same class, which led to more trauma. Break all of this down, scene by scene.
I’ll reiterate that the biggest lesson here is time. Reliving our traumatic experiences is, naturally, traumatic. We need time and distance from these memories in order to look back on their impact and how we’ve grown. This is not to discourage you from writing about these events as they’re happening. Documentation can be critical in many adverse experiences, and journaling is still an important practice. But remember when moving to the publication stage that we are not only in a state of documentation but conversation. We want the reader to feel fulfilled from our work as much as we did from writing it.
If you’re looking to publish your memoir, I provide a variety of coaching services to help writers finish their books and get them published. Please reach out with any questions, and don’t forget to grab your FREE Memoir Marketing Workbook.
Featured photo by Alexander Mass.
Hanna Etu 